Posted on Sunday 12th of November 2006 at 03:28 in Random

How to survive a zombie attack: in Britain

Those who know me will know that I'm obsessed with zombies subconsciously, a good 30% of my dreams have something to do with zombies taking over an island or the world so I've had plenty of time to think about what I would actually do in the event of zombies taking over the country. I've read numerous guides on how to survive in the USA but you can't really apply the same strategy here. Often it says to get a group of you to go to the nearest Wallmart or whatever, where you can blockade yourselves in with easy access to construction equipment and weapons.

Why that doesn't work in the UK
We don't have weapons easily accessible. Nor do we have a superstore sufficient to requirements near all major towns. Our supermarkets will supply you with enough food to last for months and enough "stuff" to blockade the doors with and the staff room may well have pool tables however, finding a weapon that is anything more than a broom is difficult - and if Shaun of the Dead is anything to go by - a broom would probably have the effectiveness of a snooker cue.

So, you can go towards a B&Q - hardcore building supplies - great for locking yourselves in and defending the building with a multitude of sharp objects but utterly hopeless for more than a couple of days when the food from the vending machines runs out. Supermarkets such as Tesco may have loads of food and basic building supplies, toys, electronics etc but are unlikely to offer any unbreachable blockade material (such as concrete).

So what can you do?
Let's face it, you're not going to be able to skip the country so you need to find somewhere where you can hold up while waiting for help BUT you're also going to need weapons. If you don't own any (as a UK resident you probably don't) you should act quickly and head for the nearest sporting rifles store (most large towns should have one). You'll be best getting a couple of shotguns and as many cartridges as you can take - shotguns are ideal because they have a simple loading mechanism and require very little accuracy when taking down a person from shortish range. Ideally you'll want a minimum of 3 shotguns (doesn't really matter on the style or strength, a semi-automatic may prove less useful in the long run).

Supermarket it is!
Despite the limited protection they offer (as mentioned earlier) the best move in Britain would be to go to a supermarket - because there's only a couple of entrances into a very big building, loaded with food. Some of the larger ones also have two levels with a balcony overlooking the rest - this could be ideal should the zombies break through your barricade. So, you've holed yourself up in a supermarket and have enough supplies for a few months (easily provided the power remains on).

The Armed Forces
Would not have any problems dealing with zombies. Whatever films may say the army would not have problems despatching our un-dead foes - a mounted machine gun nest would cut them down in seconds. So, you just need to wait for as long as you can. Currently we're in a supermarket with an abundance of food, shelter and entertainment (music CD's, gaming consoles, Computers, the internet) so passing the time should be ok - remembering to check on the blockades at regular intervals is important. Good communication is also important - ensure that you know where each other is at all times.

Worst Case Scenario
Save a shotgun shell or two in your pocket because let's face it, blowing your head off is going to be a better way to go than being eaten alive. So, if things get really bleak and the zombies break in and your back is to the wall, don't be a hero just end it. Having your intestines ripped out while you frantically scrabble away is not a dignified way to go, darn, it's just not British. Part of being British is knowing when you're beaten and you'll need to make this judgement.

What I Would do
Personally, I live in a small town 15 minutes drive from anywhere of decent size - so it should take a while for the Zombies to reach here. The second the news was made I would get myself to a petrol station and fill the car up, and fill up a secondary container too - because you'll need the ability to travel. I would possibly travel to my father's place in Wales - it's more secluded and he has a couple of shotguns which would come in useful (yes they're both licensed). Then I suppose head to the supermarket and hope for the best. That's about it really.

Basic Defence Strategies
Supermarkets have a LOT of chemicals in them, so you could probably make some decent explosives. These could then be thrown off the roof of the building to help keep the number of zombies at a manageable level, albeit if it attracts attention.

Anyway, that's how I see it possible to survive a zombie attack in Britain - which is obviously made more difficult by the lack of ranged weaponry available so you need to improvise. Failing that, top yourself. It's the British way - I'd rather die than become one of the enemy.

 

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